THE DATING DILEMMA Multitudes of parents and teachers have observed a
bright child academically excel in school and spiritually
in his faith for several years and then become mediocre
and apathetic in junior and senior high school. More
alarming is the weakening of spiritual desire in this same
child at about the same stage of life. What has happened
with these children who showed such promise? Why have
they now also shown a willingness to resist their authority
and prefer peers to their own families? Why is their family
now boring to them whereas extracurricular activities and
friendships outside their home are a very high priority?
Although many factors play a part in the problems and
pressures of teenage years, one of them demands a
closer scrutiny from believing parents; the factor of boy-
girl relationships. I believe to close our eyes to this
phenomenon is to bypass a vital means of helping our
youth through the potentially troublesome teen years.
Why have so many parents, teachers, and preachers
accepted the status-quo in this area? Must we accept
things the way they are simply because it is popular and
acceptable, or do we have the authority, responsibility and
desire to amend what is proving to be a major factor in
the spiritual demise of our teens.
Even though these authority figures witness the spiritual
and emotional upheavals caused by permissive, "carte
blanche" dating and pairing off in schools, youth groups,
camps, etc., most seem to be either unwilling or unable
to correct the situation, but is it the responsibility of
schools and churches to curtail these emotional
relationships?
I believe the primary responsibility still remains in the
home as it always has. An individual family can set up
boy-girl standards and enforce them regardless of what
the school, church, neighbors, family, and friends do. It
obviously makes things easier for the home and teen if
all of these groups have similar standards, but it is not
an absolute necessity for success with our youth. A
general rule of thumb I have always used in counseling
folks where to attend church is to seek one that reinforces
their basic values and that does not oppose or ridicule
the standards and positions God has shown them they
must take for their family. If I believe "Hollywood-style"
dating around and a host of other boy-girl relationships
is wrong and spiritually destructive, then I would be most
foolish and irresponsible to link up with a church in which
these practices are encourged.
In fact, some churches have become so thoroughly
identified with this worldly practice that a family who
opposes it would stand out in sharp contrast to the
majority, and in some cases, would even experience
varying forms of persecution.
It is especially important to pick a school that forbids
dating and "pairing off" among its student body if one
wishes to protect his youngster from the deliterious effects
of this emotional merry-go-round.
I have often wished parents could see their youngsters
at school or Bible camp without the youngster's
knowledge. Parents would learn a great deal about the
impact these premature boygirl relationships have had
on their sons and daughters. I have observed at camps
for example that many girls get up one and two hours
before reville. To pray? Memorize Scripture, read their
Bibles and meditate on Scripture? No, if this were true,
we would certainly have different camps. The reason for
this zeal to get out of bed is to "put on their face" with
painstaking care so as to best be able to attract the latest
cute boy they are chasing.
How popular would camp be if everyone knew in
advance only boys or only girls would be in attendance?
At the very least, I believe it is incumbent on us as
Christian leaders to prevent and discourage this fleshly
nonsense, such as different times for swimming of boys
and girls, seating at all events, chapels, meals, etc.,
segregated by sex, no physical or contact sports with
mixed sexes, etc.
Why are certain girls so caught up with the latest
clothing styles and fashions - why do they want to spend
every available dollar on expensive make-up supplies and
use them to the extent of looking like a harlot? Why do
they leave their blouses partially unbuttoned, wear slit
skirts and other fashions to expose their flesh and
accentuate their figure or bosom? To impress their pastor
or Sunday School teacher? Of course not. They are trying
their best to appear provocative and available for the boys
they think are "cute" and popular.
Obviously, we need to teach our children to look their
best and act like ladies and gentlemen, but to allow them
to be caught up in advertising themselves is to encourge
them to lower standards of propriety in dress and
demeanor. Many girls, realizing that flesh, provocative
dress, and a wanton spirit attract the eye of a young man
have even adopted the "attire of a harlot" (Proverbs 7:10).
This is a way of dressing and conduct that basically
transmits the message, "I am available."
Fathers especially need to step in and give guidelines,
rules, and instruction about these matters for their
daughters, prohibiting such actions and assuring them
of their help and assistance in choosing a potential
spouse. To abdicate this responsibility and allow
youngsters their own choices is to "prostitute thy
daughter" (Leviticus 19:29), as she learns that her whorish
ways make her popular with flesh dominated young men.
My children know they will never be allowed to date
a person their parents are not actively considering as
genuine marriage material for them. And then, dating is
with a no-touch policy and is always chaperoned.
In other words, such dating would not occur until after
high school and would be under strictly controlled
circumstances. Moreover, the person dated would only
be a candidate previously considered, prayed over, and
enthusiastically approved by the parents, not someone
chosen by the emotional whims or fleshly likes of our
children. Most youngsters know far more about driving
a car than they do about how to choose a marriage
partner.
What a relief for a youngster to know that they are not
allowed to participate in frantic boy/girl relationships! They
can actually concentrate on the responsibility of becoming
the youngster God and their parents want them to be
instead of being involved in this popular, fleshly
distraction. Some youngsters are battling with feelings of
insecurity, low self-image, rejection, etc., because of the
intense social pressure among their peers to conform in
this practice of dating. They believe they are a failure if
they do not measure up to the standards of the group.
Mom and Dad, if you would prevent this dating game
in your youngster's life, you will probably see improved
academics, family relationships, spiritual growth, and
emotional stability instead of wondering about their loyalty,
thought life, and whether they will keep their purity
through high school. One cannot find what we call dating
or pairing off in the Bible with the possible exception of
Sampson in the Book of Judges. And he stands out as
a strong warning against the indulgence of flesh. Whereas
he was physically the strongest man in the world, he was
weak in controlling his desires and emotions which
ultimately cost him his testimony, his eyesight, his honor,
and even his life.
Fathers, please do not expect your virile, immature
young son to control his emotions and rein in his flesh
when a woman's whorish ways can even overcome many
"strong men" (Proverbs 7:26), and absolutely destroy
them. What he needs is a Dad who will say no to dating
and pairing off for his boy and careful guidance about
parentally approved, chaperoned dating when he is ready
for marrige. Youngsters need parents who will be looking
for prospective marriage candidates on their behalf,
parents who will look for character, compatibility of
families, spiritual qualifications, who would compliment
their child, etc. A level-headed, Holy Spirit directed parent
is far more qualified to seek marriage prospects than a
teen-ager with roller coaster emotions, newly functioning
glands and who is filled with desires very difficult for him
to control.
Parents, you can have your daughter wear a white
wedding gown and not be a liar about the purity it
represents. Your children can come to a wedding altar
pure, having never even touched their spouse if you love
them enough to lay down some rules and assist them
through this potential pitfall of life called dating. It not only
is devastating to emotions and to moral purity, it is a
colossal failure in terms of producing strong, stable
marriages. One only has to look at the overloaded divorce
courts to see the awful results of dating and the marriages
that resulted from this modern American practice.
Yes, most parents will not care what their children do
and others will even go so far as to push their children
into dating and their children will pay a terrible price. But
I pray you will care and be willing to pay the price of
standing relatively alone to do what is right for your
children by keeping them out of this ungodly practice.
Scripture tells us "a child left to himself bringeth his
mother to shame." (Proverbs 29:15). If you do nothing,
and leave your children to do that which comes naturally
for them and is "socially acceptable" I can almost
guarantee that they will be involved in the regular practice
of dating around to their detriment, and your future
shame.by Ronald E. Williams, Director
Hephzibah House
508 School St., Winona Lake, IN 46590
Reprints may be obtained from Hephzibah House
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